My New Favorite Saying…

A friend of mine and I were at lunch yesterday and it was a buffet. As I walked up to the buffet with plate in hand I passed a older man (he actually was probably a bit younger than me) walking with a woman that I thought was a waitress that worked there. As I passed them I heard him say something. He said it with no emotion whatsoever and it was difficult to tell from his inflection whether he was completely sincere or completely sarcastic. He also said the whole thing with no pauses like he was reading a shopping list. Here’s what he said… “I was wrong/I’m sorry/it was all my fault/you’re right/it’ll never happen again/your hair looks nice today”. He wasn’t looking at her when she said it and I wanted to do a U-turn to get more but thought I’d better spend my effort committing it to memory. I think that this is my new favorite saying and it has so many potential uses, of course, I’ll have to work on delivery and I doubt I could ever say it as well as this anonymous man. It’s not often that you hear a really good saying that is also useful enough that you would use it often enough not to forget. I used to say, like a hair in a biscuit, and still do but if your working in a studio with other people it comes into play more often. There is another one I use a lot which I will use right now in reference to today’s activities. Sofia and Mom are flower girl (yuck!) and bridesmaid (double yuck!!) respectively in a wedding today and to the idea of attending a wedding or stepping foot in a church I say… I’d rather crawl naked over crushed glass. On another front, the bug and I were playing UNO on the porch yesterday and as she sat with her cards in her hand, she abruptly and in a matter of fact manner said, “Dad, do you have a peni5?” (numbers to outsmart the search engines) I said yep. In rapid fire succession she followed with, “do you have a butt?” I said yep. Next, “do you have butt cheeks?” I said yep. “Do you have a butt crack?” I said yep. Then she went back to playing UNO. So kindergarten’s paying off in spades already. I apologize for admitting here publicly that I do have, amongst other things, a butt and you may think that we all do but I’m here to tell you that that’s simply not true. About 15 or so years ago I went to a health club with a friend to play racquetball. Whenever I have the chance, I love to go to the sauna. At this particular health club, all they had was a steam room so I went there instead… beggars can’t be choosers. There was a two-tiered bench lining the walls and I sat on the top tier. Below me, on the bottom tier and off to one side was an old man that looked to be about 100 years old (but now 15 years or so later, he may have only been a couple years older than me). Not really, he was old… past 75 for sure. In any case, I didn’t give the man a second thought and simply soaked in the heat. After a bit, the man got up to leave and he was nak3d of course. As he walked away from the bench, I was astonished that the man had no ass whatsoever. It’s not like I was staring at his butt or anything but it was so remarkable it was as if he had a third eye in the middle of his forehead. Anyway, all that was there was thin floppy skin that barely covered his pelvic bones. There was so little gluteus there that I think anatomists might not even call it a gluteus minimus. So I was a bit taken back because I kept thinking he must not be able to even sit down without putting his whole weight on his pelvic bones and worse than that, what if some day I don’t have an ass anymore? It could limit what you could do. Bicycle riding would certainly be out of the question. Speaking of cycling, I’m going out to ride today with my friend Vern. We will be cycling in the county adjacent to this county named Oldham. I was talking to another cycling friend yesterday and told him I might ride out there today and he said, “I guess you heard about the guy in the red pickup?” I said no and he said there was a guy riding around in Oldham county in a red pickup bumping cyclists off the road and into the ditch. When I asked Vern about this, he said, “didn’t you see me on the news?”. I said no again but apparently fox news went out for some earth-shaking journalism and ran into Vern riding around in Oldham county. Vern hates fox but said that the trick they use is to have the sweetest, most beautiful young reporter that you simply cannot say no. I know, I know, oh wait… I was wrong/I’m sorry/it was all my fault/you’re right/it’ll never happen again/your hair looks nice today. Anyway the article is here and I cannot find the video of it. Vern’s the 3rd pic down on the right. That’s all I got today, here’s some greenware…


10 Responses to “My New Favorite Saying…”

  1. meredith Says:

    well thanks I thought so as well— I washed it today and now that we are completly covered in the apology department we don’t have to even go into the reasons why…..
    you just crack me up with your stories- not like a bu** crack but just a crack up!

  2. judi tavill Says:

    great stories. as usual. love the intense shape of that middle piece.

  3. John Bauman Says:

    This is probably my favorite post of the year. And your hair looks nice.

  4. ang Says:

    seriously…keep riding and you’ll have no probs….flipping hilarious jim!!

  5. ron Says:

    great quote. could have added, ‘I love you’ at the end for a final touch, but I think saying ‘your hair looks nice today’ conveys the same thought.

  6. Peni5 Says:

    A few years ago I had a jersey made up with printing on the back. The jersey is white, and in black letters about 1/4″ high, it says “I support the”, and underneath that, in letters about 4″ high, it says “POLICE.”
    Cars have been giving me the widest berth since then, and I’ve never been hasseled on the road while wearing it.

  7. elizabethBurtt Says:

    I read this post aloud to my two teenagers. My sixteen year old nearly passed out from laughter. Butt humour only starts in Kindergarten, but gets more vivid in high school.

  8. Eugene Hon Says:

    You should write a book. Your command of the English language is just fabulous and story telling an absoulute feast. Bloody marvelous Jim – your blog posts are a joy to read!

  9. Tracey Says:

    Reminds me of a climbing buddy of ours. He was going to marriage counseling and the counselor told him to just say to his wife “what is the right answer?” whenever they had an argument. They are still together.

  10. Kern-Kern Says:

    You crazy

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